The “already” versus the “not yet”

My dear, sweet grandmother has been buying me a new Easter dress every year since I can remember. With each passing year, I expect her to say I’m too old for a new dress, but each year she blesses me with a dress or two of my choice. Today was the day we set out to find my ensemble. As we walked into my favorite dress store, I felt a wave of apprehension sweep over me.

“What size are you?” my grandma asked.

“To be honest,” I replied, “I have no idea.”

I didn’t even know which department to shop in. I’ve been in the woman’s department for years, but would I fit in the misses clothes? There is nothing more depressing than trying on a dress that just won’t zip, so I didn’t want to be too ambitious and grab a size too small, yet I also didn’t want to pull things that were too big. I tried on dress after dress, some from the woman’s department, some from the misses. Some were 14’s, others 16’s, yet none of them really made me happy. I still look the same in my mind. I’ve lost inches, but my proportions are mostly the same. Clothes still look the same on me. They still ride up on my “up-butt” and bunch in the small of my back. They empire waist seam still hits me in the middle of my bust, my calves are still quite unshapely (despite my workouts), and my arms have only become more flabby because of my weight loss. Instead of being happy, I found myself being more critical than normal. I have already come so far. 45 pounds is a lot of weight, yet I am not yet at my goal. I am not yet at the size I want to be. I must keep working.

The thing that depresses me most is when I look back at how long this has taken me. I was not, mind you, fully committed for these two years, but I still feel like I’ve been on this journey FOREVER (and in all reality, it has been pretty much forever). I’ve been struggling with my weight for 23 of the 23 years of my life. I have been dieting on and off for probably 13+ years. This current stent itself has been two years, on and off, but it still really does take a toll on me. I don’t want you guys to think I’m giving up, that I’m lessening my accomplishments, or that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m just trying to be honest about the internal struggles I face and must overcome. It is so easy for me to get jealous of naturally thin people. I have so many friends who eat more than me, and worse than me, yet are half my size. I need to remind myself, though, that this is the path God has chosen for me, and the struggles and disciplines I am learning from all this are to make me a better image bearer of the Lord Jesus Christ. This is my only hope in my struggles. I know there is a purpose, and that a God who is madly in love with me (though I am so undeserving) is making me into the woman He wants me to be.

Shopping has sapped me of my energy, so I won’t post pictures of my new dresses until tomorrow. Until then, I wish you all the best as you continue to make strides in your goals to live a healthier, thinner, life. =)

~Alice

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