I decided it was time to update my look… well, at least my blog’s look. I kept a hint at the old “Alice in Wonderland” (oneder-land) theme, but revamped the rest for a new, fresh appearance. What do ya think?
In other news, I stayed up WAY too late last night. Looking at the clock just now, I realize it is already getting really late again tonight, yet here I sit, laptop in lap, avoiding the very thing I need to do… SLEEP! Oh well, I’ll get there eventually. The reason I stayed up so late last night is that I got caught up in a documentary about anorexia. I decided to watch it for a few reasons. One, I have a young girl in my life who has been battling anorexia. She is on the road to health, and I am extremely proud of her, but I would love to understand more of what shes been going through. Two, I myself have battled with a generalized unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I see so much of myself in the women on the program. Some of the words that came out of their mouths have come out of my own. As I watch them and listen to them, my heart breaks and I begin questioning why I am sitting here and not in a treatment facility. That is where I have to take a back seat, and give God all the glory.
I am in the middle of reading Extravagant Grace by Barbara Duguid. This book is challenging and encouraging, and I highly recommend you read it. One of the main themes is that I am as Holy, as sinless, as “far along” in my faith as the Father desires. I don’t have to worry or feel guilty I am not better than I am or that I am still such a deplorable sinner. Barbara uses the illustration that we are like Barbie Dolls with deformed feet which prevent us from standing on our own. Our faithful God upholds us and guides us through life, enabling us to behave righteously and grow in fruitfulness. Also, we must realize sinlessness is not our goal here on earth. God often withholds His supporting hand and allows us to fall, but not from cruelty. Our true purpose in this life is to learn humility at the knowledge of our sinfulness and depravity, and to respond with love, awe, and dependence on Him as we see His grace continue to be our supply. We cannot sin in areas where God is holding us up and preventing us from doing so, and we cannot obey without that same hand giving us the power. As I sat there last night watching these women purging with ease, I was struck by a thought so deep and humbling. God alone spared me from that fate. He was firmly holding up my sickly deformed, Barbie footed, sin ravished self with His loving hand. He did not ordain that particular sin be the sculpting tool in my life, even though I was running headlong toward it. When I was in junior high I tried to make myself throw up on multiple occasions. I would shove my finger down my throat for what seemed like hours. I could not, however, produce any vomit. Even though I have a very sensitive gag reflex, even though I throw up on my own several times a year, even though I looked up tips and tricks for purging, I simply could not throw up. Looking back, I believe God himself was holding my stomach contents inside me. I was as if my sovereign Lord was saying, “No, this you may not do. In your own weakness and sinfulness you are running toward this with all your might, but I am your God and I will hold you up, no matter how hard you fight me.” At the time, this made me bitter and angry. I wanted to be thin more than I wanted to breathe, but no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not purge. I was also unable to starve myself, which caused me to feel even worse about myself than before, adding the word “failure” to my identity on top of, “fat, worthless, and unlovable.”
The only reason I am not sick with anorexia or bulimia is because of the in-working of my lovely, lovely Jesus. I may not be happy I am overweight, but I am happy and filled with thankfulness when I see the alternative had God given me my way those many years ago.
Looking Glass Reflections 