Good News!

So, I planned my meals out for this week without calculating calories. After I entered it all into my fatsecret log, I was disappointed to see the calories at just over 1700. It was too late to change things since all my food was made, but I was bummed the count wasn’t lower. Well, late last night, after I entered my totals for the day, I noticed a mistake in my data entry! My calories are really only 1591! As I’m trying to stay near 1500, this is MUCH better. =) Hooray!

I am _________________.

I was listening to Revive Our Hearts by Nancy Leigh DeMoss on my way to work this morning. At the beginning of the message, Erin Davis (a guest speaker) was talking about labels. This really started me thinking about what label I most identify with myself. I wish I could say it was something really spiritual or Godly, but it was not. The first thing that popped into my head today, as has for most of my life, was the word FAT. In my head I know I am so much more than the number displayed on the scale. My own sinful bent, however,  keeps me believing people can’t/don’t see the real me because of my weight. So much of my motivation for losing weight is the esteem of others, but not in a typical way. I honestly do NOT want people to notice me losing weight. I abhor when people comment on my weight loss, ask me what I’m doing, or even say I look great. I know most people like that type of attention, but I do NOT. One of the main reasons I have always hated being overweight is because it makes me different. I could never shop at the same stores as my friends, we could never share clothes, I could never just blend into a crowd, and I felt my most distinguishing feature was my weight. Oh how I long for the day when people will say, “You know, the sweet one” or “You have to know her, shes the one with brown eyes… she is really nice and has beautiful smile.” Instead, I always imagine things much more negative, such as, “Oh, you know, the fat (heavy, chubby, bigger) one.” I just don’t want my weight to be my primary definitive feature! I want people to look favorably on me, and I have always felt my obesity distracts others from seeing who I really am.

Throughout the rest of that broadcast and the rest of my day, the Lord convicted me this is a wrong way to think. I need to listen to the true voice of my Beloved Savior. He calls me precious, heir, daughter, redeemed, forgiven, and loved. He is not distracted by my weight, and (way deep down in me somewhere) I know others to not only see me for my weight either. I am so much more than a number on the scale or size of my clothes. God chooses to use the weak and looked down upon in this world to do great things for His kingdom. Though I am  weak and nothing much to look at, I have a wonderful Savior, and I must continually glory in my Redeemer, not sulk about my body.

 

P.S. Be sure to check out my new “Try-on Tuesday” page for an updated picture!

Dinner Party Debacle

I think the single hardest thing about dieting is eating at others’ homes. Tonight, I attended the batchelorette party of one of my dearest friends. Dinner was asparagus (good), chicken pop-overs (insides? good, crescent roll outsides? not so much),  and strawberry pretzel salad (really, really not good). This was all followed by chocolate covered strawberries! So, what’s a girl to do?!? Well, in the past, I would probably have A. Not gone or B. Eaten everything on my plate. Tonight, however, was a fairly good night. I ate the asparagus and inside of the pop-over, and only took one tiny bite of the strawberry stuff to be polite. I also ate one strawberry, but made sure it was the smallest one on the plate. The sugar in that probably made my hope of getting into ketosis this week completely out of reach, but I am still OK with how I handled things.

I am currently SUPER tired so I’m gonna end things here. Hope you’re all doing well and sticking with your program!

Day’s stats.

Calories: 1942

Fat: 140

Carbohydrates: 38

Protein: 128

It’s MAY!

If you live in the north, as I do, then you can understand how happy I am spring is finally here. We had a BRUTAL winter which seemed like it would last forever! Now, I love going outside (even if it’s raining) to see the GREEN grass and happy yellow daffodils smiling up at me. This is a huge improvement over the constant white I’ve seen for the past six months.

With the start of a new month, I have started to think of new goals. My main goal for the month is honesty. I can follow diets really well, if I do say so myself. When I am really committed, I count every bite and every ounce of caloric food and beverages that pass over my lips. When I slip up, however, I try to ignore my “failure” and try desperately to avoid knowing how many carbs and calories I’ve consumed. I have been using fat secret to monitor my eating, and my goal is to enter EVERYTHING I eat; the good, bad, and the ugly. Take today, for instance. I was hungry. For so long I have abused my body by starving it to remain in my ideal calorie range. I remember countless nights chugging water or crystal light to trick my stomach into thinking it was full, too hungry to sleep. I recall evenings eating nothing but pickles because I didn’t want to tip the count into the 1300 calorie bracket. I have been so unkind to my body, in so many ways, over so many years.

« I want to be done »

I want to be kind to my body, and  listen to its needs. Today, I was hungry. Today, I ate.  Today, I entered each bite into the counter, peacefully (prayerfully)  watching the total rise to nearly 2000 calories. Today, I chose to be honest and not hide the fact it wasn’t my best day. Today, I achieved a small victory. Today was a good day.

New look

I decided it was time to update my look… well, at least my  blog’s look. I kept a hint at the old “Alice in Wonderland” (oneder-land) theme, but revamped the rest for a new, fresh appearance. What do ya think?

In other news, I stayed up WAY too late last night. Looking at the clock just now, I realize it is already getting really late again tonight, yet here I sit, laptop in lap, avoiding the very thing I need to do… SLEEP! Oh well, I’ll get there eventually. The reason I stayed up so late last night is that I got caught up in a documentary about anorexia. I decided to watch it for a few reasons. One, I have a young girl in my life who has been battling anorexia. She is on the road to health, and I am extremely proud of her, but I would love to understand more of what shes been going through. Two, I myself have battled with a generalized unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I see so much of myself in the women on the program. Some of the words that came out of their mouths have come out of my own.  As I watch them and listen to them, my heart breaks and I begin questioning why I am sitting here and not in a treatment facility. That is where I have to take a back seat, and give God all the glory.

I am in the middle of reading Extravagant Grace by Barbara Duguid. This book is challenging and encouraging, and I highly recommend you read it. One of the main themes is that I am as Holy, as sinless, as “far along” in my faith as the Father desires. I don’t have to worry or feel guilty I am not better than I am or that I am still such a deplorable sinner. Barbara uses the illustration that we are like Barbie Dolls with deformed feet which prevent us from standing on our own. Our faithful God upholds us and guides us through life, enabling us to behave righteously and grow in fruitfulness.  Also, we must realize sinlessness is not our goal here on earth. God often withholds His supporting hand and allows us to fall, but not from cruelty. Our true purpose in this life is to learn humility at the knowledge of our sinfulness and depravity, and to respond with love, awe, and dependence on Him as we see His grace continue to be our supply. We cannot sin in areas where God is holding us up and preventing us from doing so, and we cannot obey without that same hand giving us the power. As I sat there last night watching these women purging with ease, I was struck by a thought so deep and humbling. God alone spared me from that fate. He was firmly holding up my sickly deformed, Barbie footed, sin ravished self with His loving hand. He did not ordain that particular sin be the sculpting tool in my life, even though I was running headlong toward it. When I was in junior high I tried to make myself throw up on multiple occasions. I would shove my finger down my throat for what seemed like hours. I could not, however, produce any vomit. Even though I have a very sensitive gag reflex, even though I throw up on my own several times a year, even though I looked up tips and tricks for purging, I simply could not throw up. Looking back, I believe God himself was holding my stomach contents inside me. I was as if my sovereign Lord was saying, “No, this you may not do. In your own weakness and sinfulness you are running toward this with all your might, but I am your God and I will hold you up, no matter how hard you fight me.” At the time, this made me bitter and angry. I wanted to be thin more than I wanted to breathe, but no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not purge. I was also unable to starve myself, which caused me to feel even worse about myself than before, adding the word “failure” to my identity on top of, “fat, worthless, and unlovable.”

The only reason I am not sick with anorexia or bulimia is because of the in-working of my lovely, lovely Jesus. I may not be happy I am overweight, but I am happy and filled with thankfulness when I see the alternative had God given me my way those many years ago.

Try-on Tuesdays

I am trying something new this time around. At this point, I am not sure when/if/how often I will weigh myself. The scale and I have a rough relationship. I can easily become obsessed with my weight, stepping on the scale 3, 5, 7, or more times per day. At my worst, I would purposely go hungry just so the number wouldn’t rise from morning to evening. On the flip side, I can see the number on the scale and get discouraged, giving up on my whole plan and falling off the wagon. This being, said, I have not decided if I am going to weigh-in this time around. I am going to spend the remainder of the week thinking and praying about it before stepping on the scale.

 

In lieu of pounds, I am for sure going to measure my success by my clothes, hence “Try-on Tuesdays.” Each Tuesday I will try on this pair of khakis which I wore comfortably at my lightest in the fall of 2012. My goal is to be back at this size. Wish me luck! As you can see, there is a definite chasm between the button and the hole at the moment. I am hoping this gap will continue to close over the next weeks and months.

 

How about you all? How do you measure your success? Do you weight, measure, or try on? Does anyone else have such a battle with the scale like I do? I dearly hope I’m not the only one! Anyways, thanks for reading, commenting, and subscribing. You all Rock! Now go out and be diligent. =)

Alice

Nerves

Do you know that feeling you get right before you descend the first hill on a roller coaster? Or the sensation you experience seconds before doing anything you’re afraid of? Well, that describes me. Tomorrow is my weigh-in morning. Tomorrow I will see if the past two weeks has payed off. Tomorrow I will determine my course of action for the next two weeks. Tomorrow.

The Lord has been so faithful in calming my nerves this past week. Since my meltdown on Monday, I have really been okay. I have spent much of my quiet moments throughout today praying through tomorrow’s weigh-in. Regardless of the numbers displayed on the scale, these are the successes of the past two weeks:

• I have been eating again. Like, really eating. Fruits, veggies, etc. I got to eat SWEET POTATOES! Seriously, I think I am in love. =) I am beginning to see food as a good thing, not something to be afraid of, not something that must be measured, counted, googled for calorie content, and controlled, but something God made for my enjoyment and nourishment. Even if I didn’t lose a pound, I sure did eat a lot to maintain, and that is a good thing. It gives me hope for normalcy someday.
• I have learned self-control. This diet, unlike most, has really challenged my with my vices. No coffee. No Diet Dr. Pepper. No dairy. No fats/oils (4 of 7 days). Learning to cook without oil, getting used to drinking only water, going through caffeine withdrawals, etc. has really tried my determination. I am happy to say I didn’t cheat even once. My weight has served as a tool in the hands of my Savior to develop Christ-like character in me. When I submit my eating to the guidelines of a diet, I learn diligence, determination, self-control, patience, perseverance, and more. God may teach these lessons to others via different means, but for me He uses my weight. I must trust He knows best, and I am learning to trust in that more and more every day.
• My value does not come from my weight! I am not a piece of meat to be purchased at the market. I am a dynamic Child of God who is being made into His likeness. My pastor is speaking through the book of Esther right now. In the book, there is such an emphasis on the providence of God. He skillfully guides the happenings of the world without our knowledge, yet somehow works all things together for our good and His glory. Esther was beautiful. She was beautiful, so seductive, so unique that she was made queen. It is no coincidence she was pretty. As the Lord knit her together in her mother’s womb, He foresaw Her life unfolding. She was made beautiful for a purpose. We can also see this in the life of Gladys Aylward. All through her life she couldn’t understand why God had made her so small and given her such plain, straight black hair. It was a point of contention between herself and God. When she became a missionary to China, she was given a glimpse of why God made her the way He did. Here she was, in a foreign land, surrounded by people her height with her hair type. How cool! I may never know exactly why God made me heavy, but I know it wasn’t a mistake. I trust my loving Father has good reasons for this, and I must trust in His providential hand. 
• I have been working a LOT of extra hours lately. I am leaving for Taiwan in 13 days, and right now, all my capris are snug. I really don’t want to have to go buy new clothes for the trip, but since I’ve been working so much, I actually have the money to do so if needed.

All in all, I am blessed. No matter what the scale may say, I lack no good thing. If I haven’t lost anything, I will try something else until I go on my trip. With this diet, you’re only allowed cardio and M&T, weights W&Th, and “relaxing” things such as a massage, yoga, stretching, etc. on F,S, &S. If I’m not down several pounds, I’ll want to workout more than that to hopefully have my clothes fit more loosely. But, if this seems to be working, I’ll stick with it another two weeks. Tomorrow’s weight will be the deciding factor. We shall see what the outcome is!

 

Freaking out

Do you ever have those moments when you feel your insides might implode? That the fear that grips your heart might just be the end of you? That you might just snap and go totally AWOL on life? That is me at the moment.

I warn you all in advance, this post may get a little “woe is me” and the like. I have NOT had a good day. Let me just start by saying I am really exhausted. I was on call all weekend. I worked until 9pm on Friday, noon-7:30 on Saturday, and 8pm-2am last night/this morning. All this on top of working my full M-F workweek last week and now this week. I don’t do well when I don’t have enough “me” time at home… I tend to get a bit self-loathing for whatever reason. So today was one of those more “I hate myself” kind of days.

Today was the beginning of week two on The Fast Metabolism Diet. I chose not to weigh myself after week one, to just allow my body time to adjust to this new way of eating and not freak out or give up if the scale didn’t show the results I was hoping for. Last night, I slipped on a pair of shorts which fit me a month ago. They are TIGHT. For the past six months or so, I was holding my weight somewhere between 185-189. Not ideal, but at least still in the 180’s. Last month, I went up to a new high… 194. This FREAKS ME OUT! Like, I want to hyperventilate, stop eating, go lock myself in a dark closet somewhere type freakout. Then, there is the other voice in my head telling me I can’t just stop eating. I can’t restrict to the extreme anymore. I simply can’t… mentally, physically, or spiritually, I can’t. So, what’s a girl to do?

In the diet book, there is a chapter of tips and expectations for each of the four weeks. Week one’s expectations were clearly NOT met in my case. Week two’s chapter mostly talks about people not believing how much weight they lost in just one week, worrying about keeping it up, and somehow sabotaging themselves in the end.  I clearly did not lose that much weight, if any. This gets me worrying, “Am I gaining weight?” This is where my real freakout happens. With only SIX MEASLY POUNDS between me and 200, I can’t afford to gain anything! This really makes me want to weigh myself hardcore. I worked WAY too hard to get to one-derland and I am not going to let that all go to waste. Also, I looked at my measurements from a few months ago, and I’ve gained 3 inches in my waist, and 4 inches in my hips! Again, what is a girl to do? I don’t want to be controlled by my weight. I want to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. I don’t want this to be the most important thing in my life, I want Godliness to be. I don’t even want to be able to eat crap food and be thin. All I want is to be able to eat a freaking sweet potato without getting fat and looking like a whale! I want my efforts to be rewarded.

It is here that I am most convicted. In scripture we are called to hold every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. My thoughts are not obedient on their own. Obviously my thoughts in relation to food and my body are a real source of contention between God and myself. God also hasn’t given me a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound mind. He knows what He’s doing. My struggle with my weight isn’t outside His control or master plan. Whether I am fat or thin, I am loved. Whether this diet works or not, my hope ultimately isn’t in this eating plan, it is in HIS plan for my life. I keep just taking deep breaths, reciting scripture, and praying my little heart out that God will help me through this. Selfishly, I am praying I do, indeed, lose weight. If that isn’t the case, I pray I will graciously accept the providence of God in this matter and prayerfully seek His will for how I should continue.

Talk, don’t listen

We are often told to be better listeners and do less talking. While this may be true in relationships with other people, I have learned it is NOT true when speaking of your relationship with yourself. We all have that soundtrack in our heads; that inner voice. We wake up in the morning, and this voice immediately begins speaking to us. My nature’s voice is not usually very encouraging. This voice often tells me I’m fat, unattractive, annoying, not good enough, going to fail, etc. If I listen to this voice speaking to me, I end up getting depressed, I doubt the goodness of God, and become generally unproductive. This is where I must speak, not listen.

In the Bible we are called to hold every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). We also see examples of Godly men doing just this (Psalm 42). Speaking truth to myself is a practice I’ve tried hard to be faithful in and it is SO key to my success in losing weight. I often get very down in the dumps about my weight. I get stressed about weigh-ins. I get jealous of others and their ability to eat and still be thin. There are so many internal hurdles that can only be surmounted by speaking the truth of scripture to my heart.

With this said, are you a listener or a talker? If you do one thing this week, I’d urge you to begin talking to yourself instead of listening to the automatically programmed soundtrack of your mind.

 

Howdy do

This is my, “I went running, and got caught in the rain, and I’m tired, and I stink at this whole running thing” face

Hi friends!

So, today has been a pretty good day. I fully intended to exercise before work today, but I was just feeling so unmotivated this morning. I went to work and had an overall decent day there. My eating has been spot on. Calories = 1240, Carbs = 17. I also attempted my running plan, but was (thankfully) interrupted by a thunderstorm. I can’t wait until I have more stamina running! I think that will be a good feeling; I just need to keep it up.

As I was “running” tonight, I was able to watch the thunderstorm rolling in. I am always amazed by the might and awesome, majestic power displayed in storms. Some friends and I are studying through the book “Desiring God” by John Piper. In last week’s video lecture, he made a funny and interesting remark about babies. Have you ever noticed that when you point at something and say, “Oh! Look at that!” 9 times out of 10 the baby ends up looking at your finger instead of what you’re actually pointing at? We are prone to do that with God. Nature is that finger. It is pointing up to God saying, “Wow! Look at that! What an amazing God we have! How creative! How powerful!” So often we look at nature and simply marvel at the “finger” it is, instead of turning to praise the creator. I was thinking about this as I “ran” along tonight. What an AWESOME God I serve! How AMAZING that He would look upon my helpless state and lead me to the cross!

Also, as I “ran” tonight, I had to really push myself to keep going. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” was running through my mind and coming out in gasps between strides. My hearts earnest prayer is to know and honor Jesus above all. I pray desperately that I continue on this weight-loss journey with a proper mindset. 1 Timothy 4:8 was also rattling around in my head as my feet hit the pavement.

“for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

My eyes are to be ever focused on my Savior, not fixated on my body. Along those same lines, it has been increasingly difficult for me to avoid weighing myself. I am seeing what an idol and preoccupation my weight has become. If I cared half as much as how much time I spent with God as I do how much I weighed, I’d be in pretty good shape. As it is, I must lift this struggle up to the one who gave all for me. I can certainly lay the scale at His feet as a love offering. My weight ultimately doesn’t matter. In the end, my spiritual health is what will remain. I will trade this body in for a new one, one that is perfect in every way. I must take care of myself, for I am the temple of the Holy Spirit, but I must make it a home for the Spirit, not just a flashy showcase.

Thanks again, everyone, for all your support. It really means a lot to me to have complete strangers going through this journey with me.

God Bless,

Alice